Gay bar closed for being woke

Following the news that an Indian restaurant in Oxfordshire was closed for smelling like curry, it has also been revealed that a gay bar has been closed for being too woke.

The Common Ground, which has operated in Manchester for over thirty years, has shut its door for the last time following several protests and complaints by a local elderly woman who has just moved into the area and had nothing better to do.

"I was absolutely furious when I spotted it!" stated Doris Crone "well, I didn't technically spot it. Rather one of my friends told me it was only twenty minutes walk away from my house. Naturally as soon as I heard I jumped on my mobility scooter and travelled to have a look and let me tell you I nearly choked on my Werther's Original! It was horrid to look at, lots of people I presume to be homosexuals chatting away like it was normal and eyesore Pride flags hanging outside. Turned my stomach it did."

Over the next few weeks, Doris spent all her free time (that is, most of the day) standing outside the bar making notes about what people were doing "I didn't actually see anyone kissing, but I know they were thinking about it and that's bad enough. Most of my family said I was overreacting and I didn't have to look every day, but I just told them if that lovely Mr Farage can spend his days off watching for boats from Dover then this is the least I can do"

After spending several weeks outside giving the patrons cold stares and occasionally shouting homophobic insults, Doris decided enough was enough and formed a protest. "It was easy enough to arrange, I'm a member of Reform UK, so all I had to do was to get the word out to all of my fellows. Naturally it wasn't long before they responded and the next thing I knew they'd booked a coach and were heading up to put a stop to it."

This marked the first of several protests by Doris's friends, which caused so much negative publicity and kept people away that the bar's owners announced last week it would shut its doors for good.

"I don't understand what her problem was, we weren't doing anything wrong" owner Quentin Smith stated "we're not even really a gay bar, we just have a policy of making everyone feel welcome, especially since the Reform council took over. But we just can't cope with our patrons constantly having abuse thrown at them, so we have to close."

Doris was unrepentant, stating "good riddance to the lot of them, the less people thinking we need to get along the better. I was delighted to hear that awful pub is now going to become a Wetherspoons. Sitting with all your fellow racists getting served by people on zero-hour contracts, there's nothing more British than that!"

image from pixabay

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Wes Anderson “releasing same movie every time”

It was admitted today, even by his most ardent fans, that Wes Anderson has been rereleasing the same movie over and over again for his whole career.

“It started as a genuine mistake with my second movie, Rushmore. Somehow the studio accidentally sent out a print of Bottle Rocket, a movie I’d made a couple of years before. I was bracing myself for complaints, but in fact all the reviews were very positive, commenting on the visual style which they said was fast becoming a Wes Anderson trademark.

“It got me wondering how far I could push this, so a few years later I released it again as The Royal Tenenbaums. Again, raves across the board, especially for my ‘distinctive visual aesthetic’. I mean, didn’t anyone notice the actors and the script were exactly the same?

“What really makes me laugh is when they talk about how more and more famous actors appear in my movies these days, even in tiny roles, which they think shows how everyone wants to work with me. They’re the same damn actors! They just weren’t famous in the 90s when I started out.”

Critic and long time Wes Anderson groupie Mark Kermit wasn’t at all embarrassed by the revelation, saying if anything it made him feel better about having written the same gushing review every time.

image from pixabay

Reform-led Councils Now Pay Pensions in Farage Bucks

Following the announcement that Reform-led councils will block staff from joining the Local Government Pension Scheme, Deputy Leader of the party Richard Tice has told current members of the plans they will now be paid in a new digital currency called Farage Bucks.

"It's very simple," The MP for Boston and Skegness said from his home in Dubai. "Nigel's a bit of a whizz in the world of Crypto, so we've taken the council pension pots and transferred them all into a memecoin based on his image and popularity, much like President Trump. So long as he stays in the media's eye with positive stories, pensioners will keep getting paid and the value of their pots will grow much more than through traditional investments like the stock market."

In Durham, one of the ten councils now under Reform UK's control, retired council employees had mixed opinions about the new payment arrangements. "I think it's wonderful," said one person at the local working men's club. "I've even taken the contents of my ISA and put it into my pension pot, as having a million Farage Bucks means you get a framed picture of the man himself signed by one of his assistants."

Another was slightly more suspicious, "It's a bit cheeky that I have to use an exchange in the UAE owned by Isabel Oakeshott to turn my Farage Bucks into Sterling," he said. "The fact it automatically includes a 1% donation to Reform on every transaction is also a bit of an eyebrow raiser. But what else can you expect from old frog-face? Some of us have already started calling his money Baron Greenbacks."

image from pixabay

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